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September 30, 2009
A Moment of Doubt in the Midst of New a Birth.
Just this afternoon I was on-line investigating the layouts of various websites to get an idea of where my future dreams may lead me. I wanted to learn what a successful website looks like, and how the language was communicated. In the midst of this investigation I was blasted with a wave of ferocious self doubt.
I was in fact looking at a website of a college of mine that trained with Lynn Andrews until her graduation from the program several years ago. The website hosted a photo of this very powerful and lovely woman. In the about her section, it listed her many talents and credentials. The wording was ordered, precise, and direct.
I immediately knew what it was this woman wanted to convey about her extraordinary work and how she was going to bring this act of power about. I was in fact very pleased with the success that she clearly is having at this point in her life. I am certain that for all of the intent that was demonstrated, that it came to one that had earned it.
After all of these years of being involved with the community she and I share, I have learned one thing about the people there that I have come to know. It is this, not one person who has gone on to succeed has not done so without tremendous internal and outward struggle. So many of the men and women that have walked threw the doors of that gathering in the desert, have lived lives that would wither the most arrogant of men. Yet these magnificent people take that challenge and blossom into great beacons of light.
I heard my heart speak and it was saying, “dam sister you sure aren't hiding your light! Hell ya! So much for you playing small!”
A moment later I heard another voice speak. It was coming from my ego/mind. It was grumbling something like “crap my new website was nothing compared to this one. How can I compare to this person? Who am I to even dare to go out into the world and say I have some- thing to offer? I am unemployed and under-educated. I cant even write a letter without having some one else edit it for me, to be certain I did not use poor grammar.”
At this I had to laugh. It is a true question though... Who Am I to do this, that which I am endeavoring to do?
My only answer is, I don't yet know for certain. However I am going to go for this anyway regardless of the result. My main intent is to build this foundation so I can teach. It is when I teach that I shoot for the stars, and at that moment I am my happiest. We will see if I hit them.
In my sleeping dreams I do, and I have many times. It seems that in so many of my dreams I dream of the future. And so often it seems this future I dreamed comes to pass in some way. I don't know how this is so, I just have seen that it is.
I have taken a big risk in my life. I have put myself out there and called myself a guide and a teacher. I would have been reluctant to go so far as this, where it not for the many loved ones in my life who have told me otherwise.
So many of them are decades older than I, some in their nineties and wise as I would hope to be some day. For me to hear them, they would open the heart with themselves to tell me this. They have said to me “Anthony you are a good teacher, I am always learning something from you. You are so open with your knowledge.”
I would find myself feeling a bit embarrassed, yet I have reluctantly accepted that there must be truth in it, that even I was not willing to admit to myself.
It is clear to me now that I am being re-birthed. I know that I am not a perfect man because I make errors in decisions. I will likely make many more before my life comes to an end, even as a teacher. Yet regardless, I will continue to move forward despite my fear and doubt. After all I am made of the same stuff that the Dali Lama, Mother Teresa, Lynn V Andrews, all of humanity, and my lovely friend is made of.
We are all made of star dust. We are all made to shine, because stardust is made of the shine.
To my dear friend thank you for the mirror you have given me.
Have a lovely day everyone!
--Anthony P PaulyJr
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October 7, 2009
The Dance of the Ego and Pain Body.
By Anthony Pauly Jr
I want to tell you about a conversation I had with a friend of mine just the other day. She and I were discussing relationships and the difficulty that people have. This difficulty seems to arise in the lives of most people that have had difficult childhoods.
Since we have known each other for about five years now, we know quite a bit about each other’s past. The common factor is that we both had parents that went through difficult divorces. In both cases the divorces were what I would call a big traumatic mess.
We both have seen our lives deeply impacted by these events. Mind you, there were some differences but they are not nearly as important as the common thread in this
conversation.
This common thread is that both of us have had an exceptionally difficult time coming to terms with the wounds created, and therefore we have chosen some very dysfunctional partners. Those partners themselves mirroring the dysfunction we ourselves had within our own beingness.
To our blessing, we both at one point in our lives came to the realization that we didn't want to repeat the mistakes of our parents. We also didn't want to continue the same
pattern of dysfunction mirrored in the relationships we had been in.
You may be asking now, “What is your point Anthony?”
The point that I was trying to explain to her, was the dynamics between the Ego/Mind principle and the Pain Body. It is the relationship of these two dense energy forms that create the dynamic patterns of reactive behavior indicative to dysfunctional relationships.
The Ego/Mind and the Pain Body
The ego/mind principal forms the first noticeable reactive patterns around the age of four or five years of age. It is around this time that the ego/mind begins to truly believe that it is in control of the world around it, thus the creator of it,(the world revolves around me mind set). This belief is irrational at best and delusional at its worst. Sadly it is validated by the collective ego/mind of the society around the child. With no other reflections to turn to what chance do most children have?
This consolidation of ego/mind seems to happen after the child has gathered enough memories of pain events that they begin to try and control the occurrence of painful
suffering in their lives. Being that children of this age haven't developed the vocabulary and intellect to communicate this new behavior, it generally becomes rooted in the child's subconscious programming.
I feel that it is important to mention that without adequate adult guidance from an elder of sufficient awareness this is the most likely out come. If the majority of people had awareness of this pattern then rooting of these reactive patterns would be short circuited before it became a significant societal problem.
Instead what we have is a world full of children that have preprogrammed behaviors installed into the deepest parts of the energy body. Creating wounds that don't show up until years later when these persons are more responsible for their actions. This results in the need for spiritual forces to use dramatic methods to wake us up from our nightmare.
The Pain Body, is as I have discovered the dance partner to the ego/mind. Both feeding into each other as I will describe further in a moment. But for now let me flesh out the pain body. The pain body as I define it is an energy form entity created from the collective unresolved abuse and suffering of a person’s current life and or past life times.
These memories can be both conscious and unconscious in form.They are comprised of endless emotional energy knots that hover around a person like a cloud.These energy knots if looked at from the standpoint of the spiritual eye, connect that person to a web of other people who themselves have a pain body cloud around themselves. These web like connections creating the pain body entity collective.
These threads of connective energy draw wounded people towards each other violently like a rubber-band snapping. When this snap happens more hurt is the end result, creating more food for the hungry mouth of the pain body.
During our conversation I went on to explain how these two partners in crime dance with each other. The pain body when suffering occurs immediately goes into fight or flight behavior. Rather than face our pain we so often run from it in some way. It is in this avoidance that the ego begins to form. The ego screams at the moment of suffering and yells “I will not let this happen to me. I am in control, I can stop this.”
So in order to maintain the illusion of control the ego/mind resorts to addictive activity. Abusive behavior, violence, drugs, loveless sex, sorcery, accumulation of material things, and so many more. These things are all done to feed the hungry mouth of the ego/mind. You see the ego and the pain body have very needy hungers. They must constantly be fed. But why and with what food?
The why is actually rather basic in principal. They both are manifestations of very low awareness energy forms. Being this low in vibration they have no ability to sustain them- selves without energy from an outside source. Without that outside source they would dry up and fade away. In order for them to continue to exist they need a constant supply of fresh life force. Guess who they get it from? Yes you got it, you and me.
By their very nature the vibrational level of ego/mind and pain body creates a disconnect from direct divine sources of energy. As a comparison we as humans have a divine birth- right. We are divine beings mirroring the reality of divine truth in physical form. Therefore we have the ability if we consciously choose, too find divine source within ourselves. From that point divinity sustains us in a state of living sacred prayer.
Yet should we under great trauma forget our birthright and become disconnected from the divine, we become the easy meal for these entities and others like them. The modern
world is a clear demonstration of this occurring.
The relationship of the ego/mind and pain body to our life force energy.
I want for a moment, to discuss the orientation of the ego/mind and the pain body, in relation to the vital life force energy field that surrounds us. If you where to look at these energy forms from the standpoint of the spiritual eye, (also known as inner vision) they would appear as a mass of dense energy around the head. They may also see a similar mass of dense energy around the heart chakra area that extends down to influence all of the lower chakras.
This first mass that is rooted around the head is the ego/mind. Its main activity when not in a state of balance is to disrupt the individual’s ability too see and access spiritual vision through the third eye creating extensive outward judgmental attitudes.
Its next major activity is to create a state or belief that the person is we are disconnected from the divine and separate from everything in the world. This creating a limited expression for unconditional self love or unconditional love for anything. The ego is literally is saying, “I am separate from everything. I am in control of everything. What can the world do for me? I will bend the world to my will. I will judge you as inferior to me. My way is the only way.” In some extreme cases is says “Because you are inferior I have a divine right to destroy you, my, (I) will be done.”
The desire of the ego to bend the world to its will is a demonstration that there is a cord of energy that connects the ego/mind to the pain body. This cords connection
seems to leave the reptilian part of the brain and insert its self into the solar plexus chakra where will and intent are radiated. If you were able to look at the energy field of a person that was highly abusive towards others you would see that this cord connection in the solar plexus is exceptionally exaggerated. It can be seen to form a vortex of sorts
that draws off the life force energy from the persons or other life forms being abused.
The abuser and the victim are usually not consciously aware that this dynamic is occurring. Yet the ego using the limited awareness and fear of the abuser and the victim is working thru the subconscious mind to act out the violence to feed it self.
The second mass called the pain body is as I have mentioned rooted around the area between the heart and the root chakra. Its main activity is as a repository for all
unresolved emotions and suffering. It reacts to the world at every moment it can. Creating emotions of exaggerated fear that directly affect the physical workings of the body. Depression, anxiety, illness, self sabotage, and digestive issues are just a short list of influences the pain body can have.
The Dance of the Ego and Pain Body.
In the case of my friend her pain body reactions to the emotional pain of past failed relationships was to form relationships with men that were never around or were
unreliable. As she explained to me she did this so that she didn't have to get real with this person and become vulnerable. In the end she would end up being hurt and
disappointed anyways because she harbored a secret hope that the relationship would work out even though on some intuitional level she knew it wouldn't.
As she told me, “ultimately my hurt came from my failure to trust my heart and my own divine knowing.
I in the past have done this very same thing in relationships. Except in my case I was creating relationships with women that had deep wounds that I unconsciously thought I could fix. Needles to say in my ignorance I was mistaken. Admittedly I did this all to avoid the healing I needed to do by fixating on fixing someone else.
These examples are how the ego and pain body dance. The emotional wounds of the past create fear of more hurt. The ego reacts in a way that it is convinced will prevent the vulnerability/weakness from being visible to a world that has hurt the pain body. When the suffering inevitably happens regardless of avoidance the ego judges the world and the self and creates self hatred.
That self hatred creates a greater disconnect from the divine source, thus the pain body has more to feed on. It becomes inflated and draws attractive forces that create
more suffering. Then the ego judges and hates creating thought patterns that disrupt the balance of body, mind, emotions, and spirit.
The pain body flips out and drives the ego to search out some addiction so that it can self medicate, and the whole cycle starts all over.
So the big question is what can we do about this dynamic of reactive patterns. The simple answer which is actually an article in it self is to reconnect with that part of our selves that knows its divinity. It is true that the ego and the pain body in their desire to control us will not make it easy to do. Just remember one thing; there is a universal law that demonstrates that the intent with the greatest power is always the one to manifest.
The greatest intent that we humans have is the one that we see so little of. It is very smart and powerful. It is this, we as humans have made a bid for power. Our greatest dream is to remember and expand the brightness of our inherent divinity. We are made of love and this can never be truly lost even in the face of millions of lifetimes of karma.
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November 19, 2009
by Anthony P Pauly Jr
Sugar Maples and Lightning
In the summer of 1996 I was siting in a Sugar Maple Tree. I had been smoking an inordinate amount of pot that evening with my friends. I was well intoxicated and had climbed into the tree for the fun of it. I lost track of time and the night washed over me. On the horizon I could see in the darkness that there was a storm coming.
Great bolts of lightning shot out illuminating the crevices of enormous storm clouds. Then darkness would resume a moment later. I sat in that tree exhilarated. I had the distinct feeling that the lightning was coming for me. A flash here, then moments later another. Closer and closer the fiery of heaven got to that giant old tree, as I held on to darkened branches.
The power of that moment and the openness of my inner-vision drew me within. I closed my eyes and felt the world around me and the life force it was showing me. Soon the spirit of the tree drew me into its body. My awareness merged with it in such a way that I began to see the world threw the many leaves on it’s branches. It was as if each leaf had an eye and I was perceiving threw it.
I could feel the mood of the tree and it’s excitement to share with me it’s way of feeling the world. The winds were howling threw it’s branches pressing and pulling. There was a song of rustling sounds that was caring my awareness deeper into realms I had not yet known of, or maybe I had just forgotten them. I had lost a sense of my own individuality.
Then a bolt of lightning and thunder ripped across the sky. I had my eyes closed but the flash penetrated into my spirit eye.
I moved instantly into a new perception. I was now seeing the tree from a three dimensional perspective. I could independently see all of the leaves on the tree. As I looked at those leaves I began to realize that there were faces on them. Some I began to recognize. I saw in those leaves the face of every person I ever met. I also saw the faces of every person I would ever encounter in the future. Each leaf sung a song to me about my history with that person. Some of those songs were love songs that touched my heart. I fell in love. I saw the faces of every person I told about in this story.
At moments some of the songs would end and the leaf would turn to a golden color. It would then drop from the branch and be carried off by the wind. Some of the songs lasted much longer than others. Some lasted only a moment. Each persons song and face became for me a Gold Leaf, and in this they all became my teachers.
To you the reader.
Although I may not know your name or your history.
I may not know the extent of your suffering or your joy.
I will likely not hear about the trail of ecstasy you have walked.
Know this you have been an inspiration to me.
I created this living story for you, because you make me feel good.
In loving appreciation to all who have walked this trail with me.
Many blessings to you.
Rainbow Bridge
(Anthony P. Pauly Jr
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© Copyright Gathering of Butterflies By Anthony P Pauly Jr 2007-2009
